I know freestyle as what we call it, but I’m working on something for the magazine and decided to check out good ‘ol YouTube to see what other people consider it to be. Obviously there’s the hip-hop version, skiing, snowboarding, quads, MX, razor scooters, unicycles, mountain bikes, and fixed gears, but a few pages in and a few random phrases thrown in with freestyle produced some ridculous results:

This one is obvious, freestyle walking. I didn’t know this was a serious thing until I went to the Stadium in Montreal, Canada, and there were like 15 chubby kids bouncing off walls and one dude that was a living spider monkey. I’d be hunched over about to shoot a photo when some flash of human being would jump across my peripheral vision…weirdest thing ever.  I supposed I can appreciate it in the sense that it’s pure and simplistic, and it’s crazy when it gets to a certain level. But most of the time, it’s just stupid. It also seems to be something that hungover college students like to make mockumentries about.

Chairing. There’s a few examples of this. First off, we have that kid in Vegas that does a bunch of wild stuff at the Pro Park who gets all my respect. Then we have the dude that walks up to a wheel chair, doesn’t do shit of anything impressive (he calls it freestyle madness), but puts it on the Internet for our viewing pleasure?go back inside, take the gloves off, and stick to painting your face and drinking Faygo. Then we have the dude that is just in a chair with a soccerball…for a little while, at least, then he gets out of it and plays guitar. But, it’s “the best ever L@@K ==.” There’s a whole other level of people doing dumb shit in chairs and calling it freestyle, but let’s keep going.

Frisbee. Take one beach activity, add some twirling dance, and you have one of the gayest things you can do with a couple of dudes besides actually sleeping with them.

Freestyle soccer and basketball. This one is sort of confusing to me because it’s deviated so far from the actual sport, but each one keeps the underlying rule of not using their hands or feet (respectively), but it’s all just dancing with a bounching/spinning ball. Things I love about these videos: the soccer dudes always go to some epic backdrop and the basketball kid puts on a jersey and goes to the basketball court but doesn’t even attempt to throw a shot.

Tractors. Nothing like getting your John Deere on two wheels, eh? I can see the entertainment value in this.

Canoeing. This isn’t a joke…this is a competition. I love the outtro thanks, the outfit, and the sincere amount of effort these videos have. Imagine if this is what you were into…how lonely do you have to be?

Motorcycles. Not to be confused with motocross, but dudes on crotch rockets with a death wish freestyle. I want to love motorcycles, but we’ve already seen what these things can do when a rider gets on one. It’s not like BMX where you fall, and you get back up. The whole lifestyle behind this shit seems so overplayed and jocked out anyway, that it’s like watching Nascar…everyone is just waiting for the crash. Fortunately, there’s lots of those, too. I could probably have found some better examples of how stupid this shit is, but I couldn’t sit through it.

And the pièce de résistance, dog freestyle. There’s a lot of this, either involving frisbees, obstacle courses, or just dancing. Also, when you type “dog” into YouTube, the third suggestion is “dog sexing woman,” which gives you a video of a woman getting humped by a dog that’s been viewed nearly eight million times. The world is fucked.

Nobody cares. This NPR report sums up my opinion on Twitter quite well.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=101619832

Edit: This also translates to blogging to a lesser degree. See: the conundrum with having my own blog.

We’re just wrapping issue 155 of Ride, marking my 70th issue. Who knows what a scene website and decent writing skills will bring you, eh? I hate to lament (that’s not the right word) over things like this too often, but it’s a wild thought that it’s been six full years. When I first got hired, I had this weird idea that it was all some sort of joke, and Ride’s least memorable editor, Scott Mcewenly (however his name was spelled…sorry, this is coming out more asshole-ish than I wanted), was going to come back, and be like, “What the fuck are you doing at my desk?” So I left all his belongings untouched: stickers, phone rotisserie, and even “The Rick Thorne Experience” written on the white board. It started as some sort of weird paranoid thought, but after a year or so, I realized I was probably there to stay. I ripped off the DJ-whatever stickers on the cabinet next to me, decided to keep the phone book, and when I went to wipe off The Rick Thorne Experience off the To Do list portion of the white board, it wouldn’t come off.

It’s been six years and it’s still sitting there. I don’t even use the white board.

My new cat, Egg, has been pulling these all day long.

I’m preggers!

Not to be confused with a “Fucket List,” these are things that I want to do, in proper state of mind, before I shit the bed with a pair of titties in my face. This is an on-going list.

Write a book. A bad one, preferably, so I won’t be disappointed when someone tells me it’s bad.
Visit at least %50 of the world’s countries. I’m at somewhere like %8 now, so I have a long way to go.
Go 200 miles per hour behind the wheel of a car. Gearing on the Volkswagen says it can go 224mph (for the naysayers: 8500rpm with a .756 TDI fifth gear that I put in ‘er), but it’s shaped like an L and would probably kill me. I’ll need another car for this goal.
Jump out a plane alone. Already did it with a burly dude strapped to my back. It’d just be nice to go this experience alone.

Sher, can we start the Fucket List, too?
Snowboard.

Although I’ve never actually seen an Eclat part, all their stuff looks visually appealing. I’m sure the function is up there, too, as I’ve heard Mr. Burns tout their cranks as a God-sent. That’s not a direct quote, by the way. I just spotted this seat on their site and figured I’d post it up for some reason. I doubt I’d run one due to the lack of cushion, but I think I like it.

Now that I’ve said it, I take it back about never seeing any of their stuff. Darryl had a bunch of stuff on his bike…I must have forgot to pay attention.

Elcatbmx.com

As opposed to all the things I’ve hated lately, here are five things that make me smile:

1. Coffee. Sometimes I go to sleep anxious of the cup in the morning. I’m really starting to think it’s a sign of addiction, but it could be confused with love.

2. Fat people on motorcycles. I’m not sure why, but they make me really happy. Fat dudes on Harleys make me smirk, but fat dudes on crotch rockets make me laugh. Fat women in Ugg boots on three-wheeled motorcycles get their photo taken. When they wave for the photo opt, it’s classic. Tell me this happens outside of California.

3. Kettle Salt and Pepper Chips. Like heaven. I buy them in bags of two and they generally make me feel ill after I eat half a bag in a single sitting, but they really are heaven on earth. If I had to recommend one snack to someone, it’d be these.

4. Cars. Working on cars. Fixing cars. Geeking out about cars. Everything except fantasizing about cars that I’ll never be able to afford?I’ll reserve my illusions of grandeur to attainable objects. This is my car. It doesn’t work more often than it works, but I still enjoy it.

5. Pacifico. I go through phases with what I like (is three year stint on Gin a phase?) to drink and I’ve been on a beer stint lately. I like Stella, Blue Moon, and Pyramid Heff, but Pacifico has really been doing it. Besides, I usually need a couple after a hard day of talking shit, staring a fat people on motorcycles, and working on my car for no apparent reason. I wish the stuff I had was %9 like this stuff.

People are attracted to train wrecks. So when mid-schoolers (because kids posting on the Ride site think Gary Young is old school?) see Chris Duncan acting like a meth-head on YouTube, they buy right into how awesomely bad it is. Hell, I even got sucked into it a couple months back when he left his phone number on the Ride site. I called, got a voice mail, and said I was interested in distributing his new clothing company in Southern California. Chris called back later that night when I happened to be watching Grave Digger jump thirty feet in the air, and proceeded to leave a three minute voicemail talking about how the company is a joke and that he’s just an older dude trying to get back into BMX and all this out there ramblings. Calling back would have gotten me more of  the same. Thecomeup buying into it was expected, but Adam was all too nice?I was disappointed. But damn, Tunney interviewing him for the ESPN blog? Giving him an outlet only shows how much useless shit is out there to be read. Pandering to this dude is retarded?there’s a reason why he was exiled from BMX. But, yet again, the Internet has given us another tool?figuratively and physically. It’s a kooky act to suck in the equally bored. He’s like an old man that strikes up a conversation, transitions into his life story, and then you can’t get away from it. Chris is bored, lonely, and will keep posting an insane amount of useless shit way past his e-welcome.

Ramping up the assholeness on this thing lately.

If these dudes are going to do “tricks,” they should at least stick to the ones that Kris Dauchy hammered down in 1986. If they want to jump down a set of stairs, do it on something that won’t fold underneath you. And damn man, don’t call it the Leap of Faith so you can get more Vimeo views…