This is Freestyle.

I know freestyle as what we call it, but I’m working on something for the magazine and decided to check out good ‘ol YouTube to see what other people consider it to be. Obviously there’s the hip-hop version, skiing, snowboarding, quads, MX, razor scooters, unicycles, mountain bikes, and fixed gears, but a few pages in and a few random phrases thrown in with freestyle produced some ridculous results:

This one is obvious, freestyle walking. I didn’t know this was a serious thing until I went to the Stadium in Montreal, Canada, and there were like 15 chubby kids bouncing off walls and one dude that was a living spider monkey. I’d be hunched over about to shoot a photo when some flash of human being would jump across my peripheral vision…weirdest thing ever.  I supposed I can appreciate it in the sense that it’s pure and simplistic, and it’s crazy when it gets to a certain level. But most of the time, it’s just stupid. It also seems to be something that hungover college students like to make mockumentries about.

Chairing. There’s a few examples of this. First off, we have that kid in Vegas that does a bunch of wild stuff at the Pro Park who gets all my respect. Then we have the dude that walks up to a wheel chair, doesn’t do shit of anything impressive (he calls it freestyle madness), but puts it on the Internet for our viewing pleasure?go back inside, take the gloves off, and stick to painting your face and drinking Faygo. Then we have the dude that is just in a chair with a soccerball…for a little while, at least, then he gets out of it and plays guitar. But, it’s “the best ever L@@K ==.” There’s a whole other level of people doing dumb shit in chairs and calling it freestyle, but let’s keep going.

Frisbee. Take one beach activity, add some twirling dance, and you have one of the gayest things you can do with a couple of dudes besides actually sleeping with them.

Freestyle soccer and basketball. This one is sort of confusing to me because it’s deviated so far from the actual sport, but each one keeps the underlying rule of not using their hands or feet (respectively), but it’s all just dancing with a bounching/spinning ball. Things I love about these videos: the soccer dudes always go to some epic backdrop and the basketball kid puts on a jersey and goes to the basketball court but doesn’t even attempt to throw a shot.

Tractors. Nothing like getting your John Deere on two wheels, eh? I can see the entertainment value in this.

Canoeing. This isn’t a joke…this is a competition. I love the outtro thanks, the outfit, and the sincere amount of effort these videos have. Imagine if this is what you were into…how lonely do you have to be?

Motorcycles. Not to be confused with motocross, but dudes on crotch rockets with a death wish freestyle. I want to love motorcycles, but we’ve already seen what these things can do when a rider gets on one. It’s not like BMX where you fall, and you get back up. The whole lifestyle behind this shit seems so overplayed and jocked out anyway, that it’s like watching Nascar…everyone is just waiting for the crash. Fortunately, there’s lots of those, too. I could probably have found some better examples of how stupid this shit is, but I couldn’t sit through it.

And the pièce de résistance, dog freestyle. There’s a lot of this, either involving frisbees, obstacle courses, or just dancing. Also, when you type “dog” into YouTube, the third suggestion is “dog sexing woman,” which gives you a video of a woman getting humped by a dog that’s been viewed nearly eight million times. The world is fucked.